Dan

Yes, that makes total sense to me. Thanks, again, for your response. Please don’t think for a second that you were insensitive, when you’ve taken the time out TWICE to try to help me! I sincerely appreciate it.

Take care,
Jennifer

No, it wasn’ quite as simple as just deciding. I’ve been working on getting the ability to decide for a while now. Learning the balance between compassion for others and taking care of myself is something I am still working on. It’s important to take care of the needs of others and I always want to keep that. But, during those times when I have to make a decision for myself, there’s no point in making the decision if I’m going to beat myself up over it. So, I’ve “decided” that when I make a decision I will “forgive” myself rather than keep rehashing why I maybe should have done it differently. Hopefully, my family understands why I made the decision I did. If not, I can’t change that by feeling guilty about it. The guilty feelings serve no useful purpose. So, I “choose” to let them go when they resurface (and they do).

Make sense?

Thanks for the condolenscences concerning my uncle. I was insensitive. I should have said I am sorry for the loss of your great-grandmother as well.

Peace,
Brian

Thank you so much for your response. It is good to hear from someone who has gone through a similar situation. If you don’t mind me asking, when you say you decided not to feel guilty… was it as simple as that (simply deciding, I mean), or was it something you had to work on? Thanks again for your reply, and I am sorry for the loss of your uncle.

Namaste, Jennifer

I think I know almost exactly how you feel. My uncle (mother’s brother) died unexpectedly on a Friday. The funeral was the following week, the week my wife and daughters were going on a Spring Break trip and I was left to run our business on my own. We operate a small business (only two of us) and any time away is difficult, especially when we’re both away. The funeral was about 5 hours away from me, meaning either a major day of driving (to go up and back) or an overnight trip.

Also, I hate funerals (as does my mother). I haven’t attended one since I was a teenager and I’m well into my 40s now. I’d rather meditate on how the person was when s/he was alive, pray for them and remember their spirit than to sit through a funeral. My father called and said I should attend the funeral “for my mother”. Well, I had spoken to my mother numerous times and she knows I am here for her, have been praying for her, etc.

I finally decided not to go to the funeral and not to feel guilty about it. I honored my uncle in my own way and I know that he knows I love him (and I mean that in the present tense). I spoke with my mother afterwards and explained my feelings. Hopefully she understands. I think she does. But, I feel comfortable that I made the right decision for me.

This is really weird that I should come across your post this morning. My uncle died only two weeks ago Friday and yours is the first comment I’ve ever read on this blog (I’ve listened to a couple of the Podcasts. But, I’m WAY behind).

Peace,
Brian

Thanks for the wonderful podcast. It comes at an important time. My 98 year old great-grandmother passed away last night. She has been in a nursing home for the past few years, physically and mentally deteriorating, and sincerely ready to leave this earth. When I heard she died, I was very peaceful because I knew she was ready and she would suffer no longer. I’ve spent time today remembering the wonderful things about her and I started the process of sponsoring a child in her memory because that is something she did and was important to her. So, as far as the direct situation, I feel totally at peace. The issue that has come up is with my mother. She has been spending the day crying, hyperventilating, and basically blasting me with all forms of guilt. I live 10 hours away, work full-time, and wasn’t planning on attending the funeral… as I mentioned before, I feel fine with how I’ve said good-bye. My mom feels that it is my duty to be there for her sake. I will be seeing my mom in two weeks anyway for a planned visit from my parents. Also, I am 100% available for her to talk to whenever she wants by telephone. My father will be with her for support, so she won’t be alone. But she is equating my choice not to go as some sort of proof that I don’t love her. She is going through a difficult time anyway. (Starting through menopause and all the emotional drama that entails.) I’m just not sure how to respond and how to not be effected by her guilt tactics. I’m doing my best to remain equanimous through all of this, but I think that is offending her more. I think she would be happier if I were in hysterics, too. Anyway, any words of wisdom would be appreciated. Namaste, Jennifer